


After

by pickyperkypenguin (aislinngun)



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M, Peter Nureyev Centric, Post-Break Up, Post-Episode: s01e18 Juno Steel and the Final Resting Place
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:33:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25118446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aislinngun/pseuds/pickyperkypenguin
Summary: Peter Nureyev knows how to take care of himself.(after Juno walks out)
Relationships: Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel
Comments: 7
Kudos: 28





	After

The space in bed next to him is empty. He already knows it.

He knew from the very beginning it will be like this. It was a matter of circumstances that he let convince himself for one night. Maybe a matter of a blind, the blindest, hope, too.

Peter doesn’t open his eyes, just curls in on himself, only slightly. No need to hold his knees against his chest, his arms around himself. A body purposefully relaxed. His eyes sting a bit. His face is perfectly calm and open for a long moment, before his lungs demand a breath and it drags from him wet and hitched. The next three breaths are even closer to a sob, but it never fully forms.

In, two, three, four.

Hold, two, three, four.

Out, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

The first five are shaky and not very well paced, his jaw is clenched. The next are perfectly by the book, could win a prize for the best in introductory meditation class. Peter knows how to take care of himself. He knows his body well, it has served him well for many years, a limber, precise, flexible tool. What use would it be, if he couldn’t relax his body language on demand?

For the shortest spell, though, one indulgent moment _(nobody can see him, nobody will know)_ , Peter Nureyev allows his long body to fold like a pocket switch-blade, press his hands to his face, his fingers into his stinging eyes, and open his mouth to release a sound that resembles a half-choked, stifled “No”. He allows himself that minute of a full-body protest, tense muscles and tears finding their way out, everything in him against the facts.

It passes, and he lets go. He opens his eyes and sits up, resting his elbows on his knees. He stares at his feet, not really seeing anything. His body somehow feels wrecked, instead of pleasantly sore.

He raises up and goes to the bathroom. Comes back freshly showered, fully dressed, a black turtle-neck hugging him tightly. Eyeliner almost sharper than his knives, shoes almost shinier than his eyes. Everything as it should be. He packs (objects, feelings) neatly, quickly, and leaves.

It’s a new day.

***

Sometimes it slips out. Like so: he stands on a balcony, calm and admiring a beautiful set of three suns, and suddenly his whole body aches, his hands clench on the railing. _I held him in my arms_ , he thinks _, and he let himself be held._ _His body was right against mine._ The moment passes and his fingers are not bloodless-white any more, but he looses all his concentration. He has no idea what he was supposed to do next. It takes a while, before he remembers.

***

Acceptance is the key. That’s how Peter manages his emotions so they would not bother him at inconvenient moments and distract from the plans. Not a lot of room for that in his line of work.

His recipe: let it flow through, feel all of it, then accept whatever it was. No other outcome, no regrets, the only direction: _excelsior_ , onwards and upwards.

This is the one particular case where there is almost a bodily protest in him, a _refusal._ Physical rebellion that lasts maybe less than a second.

He doesn’t yell out loud, even in the middle of a desert. He wouldn’t really know what to yell. Maybe that, what comes to him right before sleep sometimes, the sound and the taste of the syllables almost on his lips: _Juno._

**Author's Note:**

> I know I'm late to the game, but I just listened to that episode and I don't know any spoilers, except for the fact that apparently this is not their last meeting. For now, though, that's all I'm aware of - and I really needed to think of Peter Nureyev and his side of that night and morning after.
> 
> Talk to me on [tumblr](https://pickyperkypenguin.tumblr.com).


End file.
